A recent article on Philly.com posed the question “Should Killing Bigfoot be a Crime?”
As a Philadelphia Criminal Lawyer for nearly 40 years, I became fascinated by this question so I conducted extensive legal research on the subject. I consulted the writings of many scholarly sources such as the Dali Lama, Jerry Blavat, Stanley “The Schmatta Man” Fleishman, Fredo “Tall Stick” Miller and last but not least, Shakira’s History of Intergalactic Trends, (S.H.I.T.). You can only imagine what my research revealed. It turns out that the origins of Bigfoot pre-date recorded history. Unfortunately many of the records compiled by the Ancient Romans on this subject were lost when Rome burned while Nero was laying around playing with his fiddle. The story resurfaced again at the time of Leonardo Da Vinci. It turns out that the Vatican actually hired Leonardo to invent a trap designed to capture a Bigfoot. Leonardo did just that and it worked. That’s right Leonardo was the first person to capture a Bigfoot. He constructed a Bigfoot look alike, something along the lines of a giant Bigfoot teddy bear. Leonardo named his invention Bigafeeta. He fitted her with a platinum wig, barracuda berry lipstick, and candy apple lacquer toe nail polish. He did some enhancing up front and for the finishing touch doused her with Jean Nate. Remember as a little kid fainting in church from the smell of old lady perfume? The trap part was a contraption similar to a bear trap and was strategically located in the anatomically correct position.
On the fateful day poor Bigfoot, was lumbering through the forest when his gaze fell upon Bigafeeta stretched out on the forest floor in a seductive pose, leering at him with a salacious smile. He rushed to her. Wrestled with her in a violently passionate embrace, was in the midst of the unspeakable, when suddenly, just at the point of ecstasy, he heard a violent snapping sound! Then came the pain! Poor Bigfoot, the whites of his eyes now the size of dinner plates, ran through the forest screeching and wailing in agony all the while attempting to extricate himself from Bigafeeta who was flapping lifelessly face to face with him. Finally, having reached the point of comatose exhaustion he fell to the ground wishing only to die as quickly as possible. Enter Leonardo who with God Fatherly drama and composure, knelt down next to the pathetic creature, stroked his furry head with a calming hand and then made Bigfoot swear an oath that if he released him from Bigafeeta, he would not retaliate or attempt to escape. Once Leonardo was satisfied that he had an accord, (he was tightening the trap as he spoke) he entered his DaVinci code into the device and Bigfoot was free at last. Leonardo did not turn Bigfoot over to the Vatican. No sir he did not. Being a smart Italian he sat down with his bff, (bigfoot friend), they drank a little wine, ate a little capacola and Leonardo made bff a deal he couldn’t refuse. He proposed a road show with a 50 percent split. Bff agreed and so Leonardo constructed a cage on the back of his carriage. Bff would get in the cage and Lee would drive the carriage into the towns and charge admission for a look at his capture. In the cage bff would pace back and forth in all his grotesque, hairy glory making scary gestures, noises and faces causing the little kids to cry and women to faint. Sometimes the noises were part of the act but at other times they were very real. It turns out that Leo had bff on a steady diet of pasta fazool and Italian long hots stuffed with sharp provolone. This is also why the odor of a Bigfoot bears a strong similarity to the smell of the dumpsters on 9th street at 3am. Anyway it was a tremendous success.
Sometimes just for kicks they would switch. Leonardo would get in the cage while Bigfoot would jeer at him in front of the crowd, yelling “ere ya ah buddy, invent this!” Unfortunately thousands of kids suffered a lifetime of post-traumatic stress syndrome from viewing this freak show. As a therapy the children were encouraged to relieve their fears through painting. This is why all the paintings of Italian women of that era are a little hard on the eyes. I mean just look at Mona Lisa. Every guy’s nightmare of a blind date! Do you really think that Mona shaved her legs? Then again her black stockings were rolled up behind her knees. Don’t get me wrong. I think that Italian women are the most beautiful women in the world. I’m married to one but we all know that Mona wouldn’t make even the first cut on Mob Wives. As an aside, Jerry personally told me that the movie, “I was a teenage werewolf” was really about a teenage Bigfoot and he really did drive a 1969 black Rivera. Now that’s a fact that any yon teen can take to the bank!
As it turns out Leo and Bigfoot became best buds. Leo even brought him into the family and introduced him to his sister. They married, had kids one of whom may have been Mona, hence the resemblance. By the way, Bigfoot never gave up his Bigafeeta, He actually hid her under the bed and turned to her to get him through lonely spells or when Leo’s sister decided that la cucina was closed for the night. So this brings us to the question at hand; Is it illegal to kill Bigfoot? Of course it is! Throughout all of recorded history, there is not one documented instance of a Bigfoot ever harming anyone. Everyone knows that Bigfoot are big sissies. They run away and hide at the first sight or smell of a human. No one can even get a decent picture of a Bigfoot. In reality, they are just big, gentle fuzzy creatures who just want to be friends but are afraid of being harmed or killed by human beings. They know that we can’t tolerate anyone or anything that we don’t understand, don’t agree with or especially don’t look like us. In all my years as a Criminal Lawyer I have never refused to accept a case no matter how horrible the crime but if somebody kills a Bigfoot, he ain’t getting Perry de Marco, Sr. for his lawyer.